its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
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How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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