I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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