Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
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Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
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I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize