So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
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Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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