eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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