i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
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Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
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Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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