i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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