margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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