You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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