first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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