i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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