So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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