Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can vaginas get frostbite?
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He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize