I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
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the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
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I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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