She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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