I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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