Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize