Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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