my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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