i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
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I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Panties = found
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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