Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
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I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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