i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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