My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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