Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
im six kinds of drunk right now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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