i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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