No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
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That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
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By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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