Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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