i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize