Acid is not a monday night drug
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
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I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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