I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
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you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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