Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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