The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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