so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize