it was like his penis was on wheels.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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