Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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