Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
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They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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