she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
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I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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