4 words: hood of his car
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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