i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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