she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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