Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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