Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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