Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
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Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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