Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize