OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
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Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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