Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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