Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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