And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
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i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
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Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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