Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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