Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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